Bob Learns the Truth About Fern

Dear Diary,

I once had a lady lover--she was all I ever wanted and more. Every day I dreamt of our lives coming together, a big cage with a waterfall as our home and four or five tiny snakes slithering around as our offspring. We would be one happy family, eating pinky mice and teasing the man who fed them to us. My future was set, I just needed to find a way to get in Fern's cage. How to do it?

Well, I found the perfect opportunity a little past nine on a Wednesday night. The man who feeds me brought my pinky mouse as usual, but there was a loud crashing noise in the back of the clinic that sent him running away without closing the door to my habitat. I slithered down from the branch I was hanging on, and made my way back to Fern's cage. I was so excited! This would be our second encounter (the first was a movie night in my cage).

I climbed up to her cage, where she was sleeping peacefully. She looked splendid! I lightly rapped my head against the glass of her cage. No response. So I tried again. Nothing. Finally, with all my might, I squeezed my head through the tiny crack between the glass and the cage. At this, Fern opened her eyes.

"What do you want?" her eyes told me. This was not the reaction I was expecting. "I'm here for you, my love," my eyes replied to her.

"My love? You mean like brotherly love, right?"

I was really confused. Fern was not my brother. She is a female. Unless...

"Hey Fern! Do you mean to tell me you won't be able to produce my offspring?"

"How would this be possible? I'm a dude snake!"

Silence (well, it was already silent because we were talking with our eyes).

I was in shock! I had no idea this was what I would encounter when I made the journey from my cage to her (I mean, his) cage.

Finally, after much thought, I told Fern that I would love to be his bro buddy. He seemed to like that and we decided to play a joke on the feeder man. We switched cages!

What About Bob?

Dear Diary,

March 2, 2017

There’s this girl. As I sit here hanging on a small branch, all I can think about is her glowing face. Her sleek, emerald body with white speckles and blue belly makes me think about one day creating younglings with this attractive being. My days are spent dreaming of her, as people pass by my domain, thinking I am dead. But alas, I am merely just sleeping. This lady and I deserve to be together. Twice a month we are fed the same dinner, but in separate quarters. We have always been apart—except that one time—she joined me for a cozy movie night. What did we watch? Rat Feeding: the Man Who Comes at Night, of course. Now, we are miles apart and my eyes glaze over just thinking about her. This has not always been the case.

Long ago, I had a strange love affair. My master introduced me to this peculiar girl, and I thought she was to be the love of my life. But she despised me. Every time I came out of my habitat, she screamed and ran underneath a nearby desk. I wanted to wrap myself around her arm, but she stayed at least 100 feet away from me. My master did everything he could to lure this girl into my warm embrace, but she refused. I gave up.

This new girl (her name is Fern), is the apple of my eye. The piece to my puzzle. My life will be complete when she comes back to me. For now, I must remain in my habitat where people watch me and think I’m plastic. Trust me, I am not plastic. I am REAL…and in love! My name is Bob and this is my love story.  

The lovely Fern

Bob the snake